bgoldnyxnet posted a comment on Wednesday 4th January 2006 12:48pm

I think the story as a whole would be better served by leaving out the whole Fleur/Bill/Mating subplot, or at least by a complete rewrite of that section. The whole "blank slate" bit is just too hard to swallow. Reading fiction requires a willing suspension of disbelief, but that doesn't mean hang it by the neck until dead.

Up through chapter 6, my reaction to this story was that it was a masterpiece, taking an almost totally unbelievable premise (the mating and its side-effects) and making it not only believable, but seemingly inevitable.

AFAIK, Veela mating is not mentioned anywhere in the canon. Rowling introduced Fleur as a competitor and Gabrielle as a macguffin (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Macguffin ) for Harry to rescue, then assumed that Gabrielle wouldn't be be affected by the experience. Not an unreasonable assumption: Ron remembers nothing of the time he spent underwater.

But Tim takes that one glossed-over plot point and makes up a whole sub-mythos about it. First, that Gabrielle was at least partly awake during the experience (because she's a Veela, natch), second that the mer-people were going to murder her (because...), third that Veela have such a thing as "mating" and that Gabrielle at 8 decided to mate herself to Harry.

When I first encountered this concept in ch.1, I almost gave up on the story. It really was an extreme deviation from the canon. It doesn't _contradict_ anything Rowling has written (at least through HBP), but it also doesn't have any justification beyond the bare fact that Gabrielle was Fleur's macguffin in the second task and Harry rescued her. Pretty thin stuff to base a story on.

But I kept reading, and found a quite believable story, pretty much up to Tim's usual excellence. (I'll deal with that in another comment) Up until I got to the part where Fleur is telling Harry about Gabrielle becoming a blank slate. The story has now become hard to believe, again. All the work at making this seem real that Tim did in chapters 1-6 is thrown away in a few paragraphs.

I think Bill could be dissuaded from wanting Fleur to Mate him with other items (like no fights and no make-up sex), without introducing the blank slate stuff.

It's not even necessary to set up the arrival at Hogwarts. Tim has already established that Mating makes Gabrielle a slave to Harry, forced by her own choice to obey any command he gives her. That could be reinforced with a few comments, perhaps you could keep the part where Gabby explains what would happen if Harry told her to go away. That alone is sufficient to explain Gabrielle's response when Harry tells her to go out and not let on how tired she is.

So: recommendation #1: delete the whole Bill/Fleur/mating thing, and find another way to produce the effect at the end of the section,

recommendation #2: if that's too much, leave out the "blank slate" and use the other arguments to convince Bill to stop asking Fleur to Mate him.

Sorry for my first review being negative. This has really been a great story up to now.

ichtys posted a comment on Wednesday 4th January 2006 9:05am

Hi Tim.
I really liked the interaction between Bill and Harry. Very funny with the swift action by Harry. Bill obviously needed to cool off.
I also liked Fleur telling Harry about which consequences the bonding had for Gabrielle. It added depth to Gabby’s character.

Quote:
'"Spoken like a true academic," George said in mock-disgust. "We, on the other hand, want to hear stories about kisses that take your breath away and hands inappropriately placed — you know, the good stuff."'
So do I!!!

I loved the revelation of "Harry’s Crew". Nice to see he has more friends that he thought.

I've sent a small .doc with some SNOT (you know what I meen).

Looking forward to the next chapter.
Regards Ichtys

Manatheron posted a comment on Tuesday 3rd January 2006 8:46pm

...

O.O

WOW, now THAT was pretty awesome,
Please keep up the excellent work!

Puck1 posted a comment on Sunday 1st January 2006 5:05pm

Wow. This is an excellant story!!! I have rarely read such a good story that was not a Harry/Ginny story. This is excellant!!

AnvariX posted a comment on Sunday 1st January 2006 1:20pm

Exquisite...keep up this superb story!

azrael1 posted a comment on Sunday 1st January 2006 11:01am

I think this is brilliant and i am looking forward to the next chapter

edo posted a comment on Saturday 31st December 2005 3:48pm

Cada capitulo es igual o mejor que el anterior.
esperando el proximo capitulo

ecocd posted a comment on Friday 30th December 2005 9:38pm

I was lucky enough to happen upon this story only now. If I had been reading it from the start, I would have been going insane waiting for the next installment along with the other faithful, agonized readers. ;-) It's rather funny, because I very much enjoyed White Knight, Grey Queen, yet didn't catch Hope. I've laughed more during this story than any other story in a long time. I've read a frightening amount of fanfics and you're easily one of my favorite writers. Of course, I'm a sucker for uncommon pairings and an uberwizard Harry.

Regarding the story, the humor is great, though the moments are now fleeting from having read them in such a short span. For instance, I remember laughing when Ron answered Bill in French just to show off. Then how Oliver immediately decided to Floo Hermione to learn French as soon as he knew he was going to France. Even though it was a throwaway joke of sorts, I especially liked having Draco immediately flung into a wall.

I also appreciate the fact that you went out of your way to establish that Gabriel is "older" than she is in calendar years, even going as far as saying "twenty years old" during a conversation between Gabriel and Aimee. Some of the stories out there end up just a bit awkward when you stop to think about the 15 and 16 year olds running around. Having the run of the whole of Europe makes the dates loads of fun as well. The Barcelona (?) night club scene ala WKGQ was cute. I imagine it's a bit difficult coming up with them since the options are so ridiculously wide open, nonetheless do keep trying. :)

It looks like the wait will be a while for an update, but I'll be keeping my eye out for more updates.

Harley posted a comment on Friday 30th December 2005 7:11pm

I LOVE THIS STORY....ouch I hurt my throat. Seriously this is one of my favorite stories to date and very original. I have only seen maybe 3 other with this pairing and none of them are still being writen. Keep those chapter coming, cann't wait for the next.

MalfoyAngel posted a comment on Friday 30th December 2005 2:10am

i love this i can't wait to read more

Deborahsu posted a comment on Friday 30th December 2005 2:01am

I love this story. It is unique, well written, and somehow manages to be even better with each chapter. Thank you!

Jesse Hannon posted a comment on Thursday 29th December 2005 11:52pm

K havent read the chapter yet (7) but just thought you should know that in your msg about spelling things wrong you spelt please plese, lol, i just found it funny, will review again after the chapter, cheers and so far so good.

Drake posted a comment on Thursday 29th December 2005 8:40pm

I'm not sure if you remember or not, but I think it might be prudent to note that Durmstrang is supposed to be in Bulgaria, or at least that's what we can tell from the fact that Krum plays for Bulgaria. Plus, it makes it sound like Durmstrang is a slavic name, and what better place than an eastern european country. Great chapter, can't wait for the next. Merry holidays and a happy new year.

Ruskbyte posted a comment on Thursday 29th December 2005 5:15am

Katie was the fourth girl, huh? Didn't expect that - I was betting on it being Hermione.

Loved the arrival at Hogwarts. Can't wait to see all that's going to happen now that the board's set and all the pieces in place. One almost feels sorry for the bad guys. Almost.

jmcqk6 posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 6:13pm

WOW! Great chapter! I especially enjoyed the arrival at hogwarts, and Harry's secret army that he didn't know about. Great work here! I can't wait to read more!

Regress posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 12:13pm

Nice!

I love the entrance, flying the entire castle over would certainly have left quite the impression. I also like how you've taken pains to show that Gabrielle, as human as she may seem, is NOT entirely human and reacts very differently than most of us would.

The only criticism I have is that it seems to me that Olympe seems to have handed over the reins of her school to Harry and Gabrielle. Although they are doing a phenominal job, I was a bit surprised that Harry would just jump in to control so quickly and blatantly. I suppose that would be him being older and more mature than the child we know from the Canon, but it was still a bit of a surprise.

Good job, thanks for the update during the holidays, Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

ana posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 12:00pm

I love this story =)

Shawn Pickett posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 10:59am

HAH! Suck on that lemon drop you meddlesome old codger! It should be amusing to see how much Harry and his self named crew can screw up Albus's day.

Evelyn posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 10:08am

Thank you. It was a beautiful present.

petrina posted a comment on Wednesday 28th December 2005 2:51am

wow. impressive bit of description and ideas. i like the language too. and the plot is getting better and better. well done!