By Jeconais
Reviews
Joshua Starnes posted a comment on Tuesday 17th January 2006 2:07pm
"Ha ha ha funny. No those aren't the only two options and yes I do believe in constructive criticism, only when it isn't blatantly attacking the author and their entire work respectively. You said this story is
"dull, no struggle,impossible to relate to, no drama, not a story, no threat, no conflict, it's dull to read, the outcome is never in doubt".
But that's not all I said. I didn't just put a lot of invective in order like that - I gave rational reasons why I thought those things - which is what makes it constructive criticism.
Dumbledore, Malfoy, and Snape are Harry's antogonists in the story, but they don't represent a conflict as it is quite clear that they can't possibly defeat Harry, the same as with Trelawney in the most recent chapter. You know before the words leave there mouths that there is no chance Trelawney can stop Harry from bringing the school to England. Thus, there is no drama in the situation. Drama can be light, it doesn't have to be heavy or melodramatic (melodrama being generally a bad form of drama), but it does need a chance for the hero's defeat.
For instance, if Trelawney and the french divination teacher had managed to stop Harry from transporting the school and forced them to arrive at Hogwarts in the carriages, giving for a limited time the seeming advantage to Dumbledore and making Harry look weak even though we know he is not, which would then build more tension for the final conflict. That's why it's called rising action. There is no rising action in this story because Harry always wins, which keeps tension from building.
You have the emotional question between Harry and Gabrielle and whether Harry can ever trust someone who has lied to him; but there's no drama there because Harry's not in conflict with anyone. Theoretically he should be in conflict with himself, but he's not - as soon as he realizes he's being played he chooses to keep going (following a short temper tantrum) and find out if they can make it work for real, because he's sooo noble. There's no chance that he will leave Gabrielle to her fate, so no drama.
If there is no chance of failure, then there can be no drama.
And I didn't say fairytale, I said fantasy. A personal fantasy, like a day dream, which is what this is.
On a wordsmith level it is crafted fine, but it has flaws in the foundation. It could be a good story, which is why I make constructive comments about what's wrong with it. If I thought it was beyond help, like a Kinsfire story or something, I wouldn't say anything or bother reading it.
I review because I think Tim could be a good writer, if he would ever leave fantasyland.
Ash posted a comment on Monday 16th January 2006 6:02am
Ha ha ha funny. No those aren't the only two options and yes I do believe in constructive criticism, only when it isn't blatantly attacking the author and their entire work respectively. You said this story is
"dull, no struggle,impossible to relate to, no drama, not a story, no threat, no conflict, it's dull to read, the outcome is never in doubt".
Basically you are saying it is boring and criticising everything about the story and it's format. Yes struggle and drama is interesting in stories, but 'Hope' incorporates them. The struggles in this story involve Harry coming to terms with his bond to Gabrielle, the deception of it all and also how to open himself up to Gabby and trust her when he's used to closing people off. It's not Titanic, but there are struggles. The Drama is between Dumbledore, snape, malfoy, Gabby and Harry. By returning to Hogwarts, Harry is confronting people and reopening issues that he has tried to avoid, the deception, treachery and underhanded secrecy that was in essence moulded and used upon him by those he trusted. Also Gabby being a younger than Harry will cause a stir. In your own words a hero that's beaten but gets back up again is only interesting, and you consider Hope not fitting in that category. Tell me how its not? Harry is lied to and used by his mentors like a puppet to do their bidding. His freedom was taken, he's used as a thing and his life was gambled by dumbledore who left Harry alone at the final battle. Would'nt you consider Harry rising above that and his past, becoming independant and holding his own against dumbledore and Snape a hero that gets beaten both physically and mentally but gets back up again?
And yes it is a story like Tahlia said. As all stories can be classified as fairytales in one way or another. This story isn't necessarily meant to be heavy or over melodramatic or it would ruin the lighter moments by making them seem out of place. I think it's about love, trust and overcoming mental and physical barriers. You dont have to fawn over it, all I was saying is that nearly everyone loves it and since you seem to have so many problems with the story and its underlying plot, don't read it!
YOU ROCK JECONAIS, THIS STORY IS A MASTERPIECE!
:) Ash
Joshua Starnes posted a comment on Monday 16th January 2006 12:02am
"It doesn't really matter whether its a story or fantasy. It is a really well written adventure that draws you into reading it. Everyone that leaves a review, likes it. Jeconais isn't forcing you to read it, if you don't like it then don't read it.
Ash :)"
Not a believer in constructive criticism? Either fawn over how great the story is or don't read it? These are the only two options?
KNIGHT posted a comment on Sunday 15th January 2006 1:03am
aww.. it so beautiful.. i can't wait to read more.. in some scenes i can actually see the picture in my mind, the touching scenes unfold in front of me, and the sweet romance along with the sport makes this story a truly master piece.
i thank you for writing this story and all the BETAs for editing this story.. you guys are so lucky!
sincerely,
Karl
Ash posted a comment on Friday 13th January 2006 11:05pm
It doesn't really matter whether its a story or fantasy. It is a really well written adventure that draws you into reading it. Everyone that leaves a review, likes it. Jeconais isn't forcing you to read it, if you don't like it then don't read it.
Ash :)
Joshua Starnes posted a comment on Thursday 12th January 2006 5:37pm
How is it a story? There Hero can't lose and is always right - how can there possibly be any conflict that way?
There is a difference between a hero that continually gets crap heaped on him (which is also bad writing, but for a different reason) and a hero that can be beaten, but gets back up again.
And that is different again from a hero that can't ever be beaten and always wins. The outcome is never in doubt. The only interest that can be built comes from HOW the hero beats the villains (or how badly - a lot of people like that) and that is usually only interesting if the reader is putting him/herself in the Hero's place and trying to personally identify with the Hero's inability to lose at anything, which is what makes it a fantasy.
A fulfilling one, probably, but not a story.
Tahlia posted a comment on Thursday 12th January 2006 4:23pm
Hey Tim it's me again, this story IS a STORY and its good because in nearly all other fan fics Harry is the one that gets all the crap put on him. If anything Make harry kick others people asses more. It aint dull!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Joshua Starnes posted a comment on Wednesday 11th January 2006 10:06am
It is impossible to relate to the protaganist in this story. He's like Galahad, who was always dull to read about becuase he was too good and too able, unlike Lancelot who - because of his human flaws - was actually interesting.
This Super Harry is dull to read about because there is nothing that can challenge him. He would be more interesting if he were able to get his ass kicked a bit. Not specifically literally, but just something that would make him have to struggle.
And that's the other problem - there's no struggle, no drama. Harry is so incredibly Good and so incredibly powerful and capable, and the people standing against him are either incredibly incompetent (though that seems superflous as it has been made quite clear that Harry is More Competent than anyone else) or completely underestimating him. As things have been laid out, it is impossible to concieve that Harry could lose (either at his romantic entanglement or his "contest" with Dumbledore).
There's no threat (how can there be? No one can best Harry at anything) and no threat means no drama.
It's kind of not really a story, more like . . . like . . . a personal fantasy.
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Tuesday 10th January 2006 10:59am
That was great stuff. Really enjoying this story.
gunny
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Tuesday 10th January 2006 8:35am
Awesome, that was some seriously good writing.
gunny
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Monday 9th January 2006 11:51pm
Brilliant. That was very well done. I love the way you are doing Ron and Hermione. Great stoty.
gunny
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Monday 9th January 2006 9:49pm
This just gets better and better.
gunny
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Monday 9th January 2006 8:23pm
Very good story. I am enjoying this very much.
gunny
TxA_GunFighter posted a comment on Monday 9th January 2006 7:06pm
Outstanding story.
gunny
Tahlia posted a comment on Monday 9th January 2006 2:57am
Hey another Fantastic chappie Tim. I nearly jumped at the computer when I saw it was updated cause it was a long time between 6 and 7. I especially loved this bit;
"In a strange way, hugging Fleur helped prove that it wasn’t the Veela part of Gabby that he enjoyed so much. Fleur was as much a Veela as Gabrielle was, but she didn’t affect him in any way whatsoever".
It proves that Harry likes her for her, not necessarily for the veela side of her. Keep going, the interaction between them is what's so good about it. I'd love to see more of them together and ideally have Harry bat bogey hex Snape, Draco and dumbledore.
Look forward to your next update!!!!!!!
Tahlia
atlantis-rob posted a comment on Friday 6th January 2006 2:22pm
That rocked! Excellent job with how the trip to hogwarts was done and especially the enterance, and how harry kinda used gabby. Great job with what he did with the annoying Madame....The bit with bill was awesome, and very well done. Great dialogue as usual! Cheers!
Joshua posted a comment on Friday 6th January 2006 1:13pm
Damn that was good... now i just got one thing to say MORE!!!!
:D I cant wait till you update :D
brad posted a comment on Thursday 5th January 2006 3:24am
Awww, what a nice ending! It seems you're concluding every chapter now with Gabrielle or both of them falling asleep. Which is very nice; by all means, please continue this trend!
I guess the first half of this chapter could be entitled "An Essay on the Implications of Mating for a Veela". Excellent how you keep pulling out the details of Gabby's mating with Harry, very clever and interesting.
I'd thought that Beauxbatons would be *teleported* to Hogwarts, a' la' apparation. And I've always thought that the castle's wards were non-physical - after all, people, brooms, birds can quite happily enter the grounds, I think, with no problems. Ah well, this other way was fun to read too.
I love the fact that the D.A. has continued on as "Harry's Crew". Good stuff. It's that sort of cameraderie that really makes a HP story sing, in my opinion. And the other little touches that I would never think of but enjoy so much - like Harry's "display of trust" in Hermione's potion. I love that sort of stuff.
Great Christmas present, thank you!
mashimaromadness posted a comment on Thursday 5th January 2006 12:39am
Wow, that was amazing. This story is officially number one on my list of the all time best fanfictions I have ever read. I absolutely love this story, it is so good. Please update soon, I don't think I can stand waiting any longer. This is just too good. I adored it!
Joshua Starnes posted a comment on Tuesday 17th January 2006 2:12pm