Wild Horses
Part 01
By Jeconais
"You don't know what it was like, it was horrible."
"It's ok, Spike. I know it wasn't you; you were being controlled." Buffy took a deep breath, and smiled at the recently souled vampire in front of her. "The First Evil was controlling you. I know that, you don't have to worry about it any more."
"You're not going to stake me?" Spike asked, blood tears in the corners of his eyes.
Buffy shook her head; her heart was being pulled in several directions by the despair she could see in the eyes before her.
A small voice inside her was telling her just to stake him, to do her duty. She was the longest living Vampire Slayer in history, and deep inside her a primordial spirit was crying for the end to all vampires. With the ease of long practice, she ignored the voice of her ancestors and pulled Spike into a hug.
"Shhh, it's ok," she whispered gently, rocking him back and forth. Buffy tried not to think about the damage his tears were doing to her shirt.
She had found him like this, lying on the floor of his crypt, shaking violently, shortly after they had defeated the First Vampire.
Xander had jumped in front of the First Vampire, distracting it and allowing Buffy to finally destroy it with a piece of wood from the cross which Christ was crucified on. Surprisingly, Anya had found it through one of her suppliers , and had provided it to the group for free - an almost unbelievable act of generosity from the capitalistic ex-vengeance demon.
Buffy had realized that Spike would be in agony after the First Vampire was destroyed. Remembering what he had been forced to do would be a terrible burden for him so soon after regaining his soul. She had quickly made her excuses to the others and ran to his crypt.
Spike had hardly noticed her as he lay on the floor, curled up in a fetal position, mumbling to himself endlessly, "I killed, again. I killed, again."
Buffy had recently started to have romantic feelings for Spike again; after all, he had been there for her during the awful period of her life after she had been wrenched from heaven by Xander and Willow. He had also showed a remarkable determination to stay with her and win her as his own, though his obsession sometimes bordered on the unhealthy.
As she continued to hold the vampire to her, she started to mentally rationalize his attempted rape of her, dealing with the issues as each arose in her mind. She had spent the first week after the attempt, sleeping with a lit candle in her room, the dark too much to bear.
The relationship between them had been based on their violent attraction to each other. It had been a way for Buffy to release her anger at the world, to feel again. From simply fighting each other, it had quickly developed into a pattern: she would ask him to stop, he'd ignore her and they'd end up fucking, as hard as they could, where ever they could.
It had started the same way that awful night; the only difference had been that Buffy had meant it when she asked him to stop. Now she couldn’t help asking herself how she could have expected Spike to realize when she truly meant for him to stop.
She didn't know the answer, but she did wonder if she had led him on. In the heat of passion, it could be easy to fail to recognize the difference.
Again, a small part of Buffy cried in pain as she thought this, but once more she ruthlessly silenced this part.
She knew she wasn't in the same mental place now as she had been back then, and wondered if she could have a normal relationship with him.
"Thank You, Buffy" he whispered, his heart in his eyes. He moved towards her slowly, allowing her room to pull back, trying to kiss her.
Buffy moved back, raising a hand and gently stopping him
"No," she said simply, quietly.
Spike backed off, instantly, stepping out of her arms.
She smiled at him a little, appreciating his actions.
"Why not?" he asked, matching her tone, not accusing her. Simply making a request for information.
"I've moved on from where I was then, I don’t need to feel like that any more.
Spike nodded, appreciating the straight reply.
"I've changed too, for you." Spike said, realizing that this was perhaps his only chance. "I left because I could see you didn't need me like that any more. I went to Africa to get my soul back, for you."
His eyes seemed distant as he spoke. Buffy stared into them and was just able to see a blood red tinge as Spike remembered everything he had done while he had been a vampire. That simple sentence struck her, hard.
Spike had voluntarily regained his soul back. The idea shocked her. She knew, without a shadow of doubt, the pain he was voluntarily going through for her. Angel, her first vampire lover, had suffered for a century with the guilt constantly eating at him. The fact that Spike would willingly undergo that form of torture for her made her realize that he did love her.
As she thought of Angel, her mind flicked back to Jenny Calendar, the teacher Angel had killed during one of his trips to the dark side. She had forgiven him because it had been Angelus, not Angel, who killed Ms. Calendar.
Maybe *Spike* had attempted to rape her, not William. It was a distinction that her mind eagerly accepted.
Hardly noticing Buffy, Spike said, "I can see them, you know?"
"Who?"
"My victims, the people I tortured, the people I killed, the people I used to survive. There was no distinction for me, man, woman, child, even animals in some cases. What ever I wanted, I took. I can see them know, they haunt me when I sleep, asking the same questions over and over again. 'What gave me the right to kill them', 'Why did I kill them', 'Why don't I kill myself now, end it'"
"Spike, No!" Buffy exclaimed, shocked. "Suicide is never the answer."
Spike half nodded, barely acknowledging her, continuing to speak, "I think about it, about ending it, letting myself get the punishment I deserve. But I don't, I decided not to. You want to know why?"
Wordlessly, Buffy nodded.
"Because I need to make amends, I need to do some good first. I can never balance the scale, but maybe I can make it a little more even. I'm not much of a thinker, not much good for anything but in a fight.
"You're good for more than that, Spike." Buffy interrupted, passionately, trying to reassure him.
The look in Spike's eyes made Buffy's breath hitch in her throat.
He moved towards her, slowly, non-threateningly, giving her every opportunity to escape. He paused, inches away from her, and lowered his head, maintaining eye contact all the time. This time, Buffy didn't back away; she slowly moved her head up, meeting him halfway.
Her arms wrapped themselves around her Vampiric lover, feeling his preternaturally strong arms hold her as they kissed, gently. A kiss of love and forgiveness.
Spike slowly started to push the Slayer backwards, towards his bed. Buffy moved with him, going with the kiss as it increased in intensity. As she had so many times before, she turned off her conscious mind and went with her feelings as the Vampire laid her down on the bed in his dusty crypt.
A slither of light streamed through a crack in the door, bouncing off particles of dust in the dark crypt, announcing the daylight outside.
Buffy stretched, smiling softly, running her naked legs over her lover's. This was the first time that she had woken up next to Spike, and the first time after having sex with him that she wasn't bruised. Last night had been an expression of tenderness and love for the first time between them. Buffy had enjoyed it immensely, preferring it to the almost feral lust and passion that had engulfed them the last time, even if it hadn't been quite as exciting as before.
Spike woke with a smile, "Mornin', Pet."
Buffy dropped a kiss on the corner of his mouth, then checked her watch.
"I've got to get to work. Meet me at my place tonight for patrol?" she asked, sliding out of bed.
Spike watched her naked form with admiration, "Sure, luv."
Buffy moved, flaunting herself a little for her lover's pleasure. She had to move around the room, picking her clothes up from where they had been flung.
Dressed, she paused at the door and blew Spike a kiss.
Playfully, he reached out and grabbed, pulling it to his heart.
Buffy giggled. "Call me if you start to feel bad again," she said, her mood turning serious for a second.
Spike nodded, "I promise."
Buffy gave him one last smile, and walked out, closing the door firmly behind her.
She bounced along happily, realising that making love to Spike when he had a soul was very different than before. It was almost like loving Angel all over again, only without the whole 'losing soul' ickiness that had followed.
Back in the crypt, Spike smiled, while getting up and dressing himself. He walked to a wall, and opened a secret compartment.
He reached in and pulled out the small velvet box, looked at its contents. His smile grew.
The Summers Residence
That night
Buffy was relaxing on the couch, watching TV, her feet propped on Spike's legs. Spike was idly playing with her socked feet, gently pulling her toes, a far away look in his eyes. Suddenly, he stopped playing and swung her feet off him, standing up to look down at her. Buffy watched him with a quizzical expression on her face.
He flashed her a quick smile, then grabbed the remote control, turning the TV off.
"Buffy, I need to say some things to you, and I need you to listen."
Buffy sat up straight, looking up into his eyes. "OK."
"I can hardly remember the time before I was turned; I've no specific memories, only feelings. I remember feeling happy, at peace with myself. You do know that I wanted to be a poet?"
Buffy nodded, and Spike smiled, reminiscing. "I was awful - it's where I got the nickname 'the bloody'; it was short for 'Bloody Awful poet'."
Buffy laughed with Spike.
"Anyways, after Angelus turned me, my memory is crystal clear." His voice hardened. "I can remember each of my victims, including the ones that I killed while Angelus taught me how to inflict as much pain as possible."
A solitary tear formed, edging its way down his cheek, past his chiselled cheekbones.
Buffy reached forwards, looking for one of his hands, offering him comfort. He smiled reassuringly at her, and continued.
"I want to make a promise to you, Buffy." Spike took a deep, if needless, breath, "from this day forth, I swear I will never drink a human's blood again, or even hurt one needlessly. Even though my chip is no longer functioning, I will act like it is at all times.
"I want us to get back together, not like we were before, but as a proper couple. I want us to date, to go out to movies, do everything I didn't want to before. I don't want us to fight, again, ever.
"I know this is going to cause problems with Xander, Willow and the others," Spike said, deliberately not using his derogatory nicknames for them. "So I wanted to make a promise to you and to them, a promise of commitment."
Spike looked Buffy directly in her eyes, and took a deep breath. Buffy smiled at him reassuringly.
Spike reached into his back pocket and pulled out the small box.
"This belonged to my mother," he whispered, then fell to one knee in front of her. "I want you to have it."
Buffy looked at him in disbelief, unmoving, frozen as she realised what he was planning.
"Elizabeth Anne Summers. Would you do me the honour of becoming my wife?" he asked, his face clearly showing his nerves and desperation for her to say 'yes'.
Buffy froze; a thousand thoughts rushed through her mind, not least the fear of being alone. Saying yes would mean accepting Spike's promise that would never leave her, that she would always have someone to turn to, someone to come home to, someone to talk to. Even if the others left, she would have someone of her own, forever.
"Yes," she whispered softly, breathing the word out. "Yes, I will marry you", she smiled and then relaxed, as Spike swept her up into his arms and kissed her hard.
2 days later.
"Stake, check. Holy water, check. Phone with Buffy's number on speed dial, check," Dawn recited to herself. She was going slaying on her own for the first time.
Of course, she had somehow conveniently forgotten to mention this fact to any of the others, but she *was* 17 now. After all, Buffy and the others had been slaying since they were 15. That was a whole 2 years younger than she was now. Besides, she was used to patrolling with the others, how hard could it be to do it alone?
Holding her stake nervously in one hand, Dawn started to walk, heading for Parkside Cemetery. She kept to the shadows as she patrolled, looking around her all the time.
She heard a noise in an alley and turned, bringing her stake up as she adopted a pose similar to one that Buffy might use.
"I can feel you in there," she said, her voice sounding a lot more confident that she actually was. "Come out so I can send you back to the hell you came from," she demanded.
Two eyes peered eerily out of the dark. Dawn tensed, mentally encouraging herself once more. Movement caused Dawn to grip her stake tighter; she prepared to launch herself at the Vampire, a swing kick first, followed by a high powered punch, then a stake straight to the heart. 'Piece of Cake, Dawn, you can do it girl."
As the creature came into light, Dawn leapt with a powerful yell, scaring one of the lives out of the poor cat, who meowed in protest, and slinked off. Dawn carefully looked to the left, then to the right. She quietly thanked God that no one had witnessed her humiliation. She could imagine Xander teasing her endlessly. She shuddered at the thought and went back to patrolling, still keeping to the shadows.
In the distance, she saw two vampires.
"This is it, Dawn. You can do it!" she said to herself, trying to boost her confidence. The vampires walked under a streetlight.A blonde flash caught her eye.
"Spike?" she whispered softly, then crept after them, wanting to see what her friend was up to.
As she watched, Spike lent in and kissed his companion. She could see the long dark hair float around her head, as she responded to Spike's kiss.
Dawn raised her eyebrows. 'Wow, Spike's got a new girlfriend. Wait till I tell Xander.' A smile rose across her face as she imagined the teasing her best friend would dish out to the ensouled vampire.
Spike suddenly stopped kissing, and looked around, as if sensing someone watching him. Dawn froze, willing the shadows to cover her completely.
"What is it?" a soft voice asked.
"Just a nibblet," Spike answered, turning back to his partner.
Her desire for patrol over, Dawn ran back to her house, and sneaked back into her room.
She lay awake for a while, wondering whom Spike had been kissing, when she heard the front door downstairs open.
Dawn crept out again, onto the landing, and looked down.
For the second time that night, she froze in shock as she saw Spike kissing someone. Her sister.
"What's the matter, honey?" Buffy asked, realising that Spike wasn't totally ino their current make out session.
"What?" Spike asked, resurfacing from his thoughts.
"You're not here." Buffy said. "Where are you?"
"Sorry, luv."
"Well?" Buffy asked, more amused than annoyed. She was guessing that it was something of importance because normally Spike couldn't keep his hands of her.
Spike sighed and took a deep, if needless, breath.
"Got a problem with the nibblet."
"Dawn?" Buffy asked, her eyes widening.
Spike nodded, "Yeah. You haven't told her about us, have you?"
Buffy shook her head from side to side; her pony tailed hair bounced cutely behind her, causing Spike to smile tenderly at her.
"Well, when I took her out the other day, she was being a bit too clingy. You know how she can get?"
Buffy nodded.
"She held my hand all through the film, stroking her fingers up and down. When I tried to move my hand away, she grabbed it tighter."
Buffy frowned, not liking the idea of her sister making moves on her man.
"I left it there, figuring it was harmless flirting, and watched the movie. I let Dawn drive home, as she asked."
"Wait a second! You let Dawn drive your car, but you wouldn't let me?" Buffy asked, her eyebrows furrowing in annoyance.
Spike's raised his eyebrows as he realised he'd made a tactical error. "It's going to be our car now, luv, so you can drive it whenever you want to."
Buffy acknowledged his quick thinking with a bounce, a happy smile and a quick kiss.
"Anyway, on the way home, she stopped. I asked her what she was doing, and she just smiled at me and undid her seat belt.
"Then she asked me if I thought she was still a child. Well, obviously I said no, and she smiled, then jumped on me and kissed me hard."
"She did what?" Buffy asked, shocked. The thought of her sister even looking at another boy scared her to no end, but the idea that she would jump on Spike, her fiancé in a car was almost unbelievable.
Spike obediently repeated his previous statement, continuing, "I was shocked, I kinda froze and she continued to kiss me, while rubbing herself against me.
"After a few seconds, I pushed her off, and she got mad, asking what the hell I was doing, didn't I think she was pretty enough?
"I said, sure, she was pretty, but that I was in love with you."
Buffy smiled at this, liking to hear her lover declare his love for her, at any time.
"She said that you were over me, that you'd moved on and that it was time I did as well, and as far as she could see, she was the perfect choice. I kinda let it slip then that we were back together and she was furious.
"I don't know if she is jealous, or if she's just embarrassed and holding a grudge now. I never led her on, Buff."
"I know Spike, you wouldn't do something like that. You've always loved her like a sister."
Spike nodded in agreement, then added, "She swore she'd break us up if it was the last thing she did."
Buffy lent back against the couch and closed her eyes, unable to comprehend what Spike had just told her. She opened her eyes and looked directly at her lover, his expression of compassion, regret and slight confusion reassured her. She moved forwards and engulfed him in a hug.
A kiss turned into two, a caress into several, and neither of them moved from the couch for sometime, as Buffy reaffirmed her hold on his heart and his body.
Upstairs, Dawn slept, unware of the noises coming from the living room below.
The next morning
"Buffy, can I talk to you?" Dawn asked carefully, really not wanting to have this conversation.
Buffy nodded and sat down, mentally steeling herself for the confrontation that was about to happen.
"I kinda went out last night, after you sent me to bed," Dawn confessed, realizing that she wouldn't be able to convince her sister about Spike and the other vampire if she didn't explain exactly why she was outside at night, alone.
"Why?" Buffy said simply, a frown appearing on her face, hoping that Dawn hadn't done what she thought she had.
"I wanted to go patrol on my own." Dawn stated, then launched into an explanation, "I wanted to test myself, to see if I could do it. Besides, you all started at 15. I'm 17 now and I can handle it."
"Dawn!" Buffy exploded. "How can you be so reckless? You're not a Slayer! When we went patrolling, we always had backup, weapons, people who could match them one on one."
"Really?" Dawn snapped. "What about that time after you sent Angel back to hell, and you left town, and left Xander and Willow to do it alone?" At Buffy's shocked look, she continued. "Willow told me all about it- how several 'Ordinary' people patrolled the streets while you were off mourning sending another vampire to hell."
"At least they we're doing it together," Buffy bit back, ignoring the other references, not letting Dawn change the subject.
Dawn glared at her sister, then slowly stated, grinding the words out. "While I was patrolling, I saw Spike kissing a dark haired vampire."
Dawn waited for Buffy to react; waited for the questions she knew would come, about what Spike was doing. This would make Buffy forget about her transgressions as her ire would be transferred to the bleached blonde vampire.
"Is that the best you can come up with?" Buffy mocked, still angry at Dawn.
"What?" Dawn asked, not sure that she had heard correctly.
"I said, is that the best you can come up with? That you saw Spike kissing some one else?. I was expecting something more original than that."
Dawn just looked at her sister, stunned by the apparent change in subject. "I don't understand."
"Look, Dawn, Spike told me what happened in the car the other day, how you jumped on him. One, you're too young to be doing that sort of thing. Two, Spike is a lot older than you, and you shouldn't be having feelings for someone like that, and three, Spike is mine, and you won't be able to break us up. I want you to apologise to Spike the next time you see him."
Dawn felt tears slowly being dripping down her cheek, feeling the injustice of what Buffy was saying as she looked at the implacable face of her sister.
Buffy felt a little sorry for being harsh, but she knew it was for the best. She knew Dawn was crying because she had been found out, not because she was hurt. This way the subject wouldn't come up again.
"But-" Dawn started, only for Buffy to interrupt.
"I don't want to hear it Dawn. Now go to your room."
"That's - " Dawn tried again, desperately trying to assert her innocence. The accusations left her floundering. All she knew is that she had to get Buffy to listen to her.
"Dawn!" Buffy yelled. "This subject is closed. Go to your room."
Dawn stood and fled, the tears falling freely from her eyes as she ran up the stairs.
Spike carefully walked into the kitchen, carefully avoiding the bright sunlight that streamed through the kitchen window.
He wrapped his arms the Slayer, and kissed the top of her hair.
"I know that was hard, Luv," he said, wrapping his arms around her. "But it was for the best. We can forget about this now. Once she gets over it, she'll be happy that we are together.
"Have you given any thought on how you want to tell the others?"
"A few. I thought the best way would be to get everyone together at the Magic Box and tell them together."
"Sounds like a plan, luv. When?"
"Tonight? We're all supposed to be meeting anyway."
Spike looked pleased. He lifted Buffy off her seat and sat down, placing her firmly in his lap. He wrapped his arms around her and cuddled her, offering her solace for the emotional upheaval caused by her argument with Dawn.