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These are random drabbles and ideas that I've come up with over the years - they are not beta read, so they aren't any where near as polished as what you would normally see from me. The grammar is often atrocious, the ideas may not work out, the formatting may suck, some were written years ago, your car may stop running, your house might develop Peruvian fire ants.

Read at your own risk

I have no interest in putting any effort into tidying these stories, so please don't suggest grammatical fixes :)

Written after someone asked what would the translation of "L33t" would be in a wizarding email

From: Harry

To: Hermione

Subject: FWD: What's up cous?

Hermione, Dudley just sent me this... what does it mean?

> Harry, sorry to drag you away from L33t magic H4C{!ng


From: Hermione

To: Wizard-boy

Subject: Re: FWD: What's up cous?

It's a sad contraction of the English language populated by sad individuals who think that misspelling badly and adding strange characters to words, somehow makes them cool and will get them laid. The words in question where "Elite" and "Hacker."


From: Harry Potter

To: Sev

Subject: Mmail language

Sev, I just got an email from my cousin with some weird dialect in it that's a contraction of the English language. For example, the word Elite was spelt L33t. Having checked with Hermione, I've found that it's quite popular over there amoungst a certain class of individuals.

I think we should stop it before it takes off in the wizarding world.


From: Sev

To: The boy who protected the English language

Subject: Re: Mmail Language

I regret to say that I have seen it myself in certain places, and you're right. I'll send out an Mmail now warning students...



Working for the downfall of the Dark Tosser for 20 years

From: Serverus Snape

To: All staff, All students, Hogwarts.

Subject: Mmail rules

Dear All,

After a discussion with our newest professor, it has been decided that any student utilising so called "Elite speak" in Mmails, will summarily lose 100 house points, and have a week of detention with our esteemed caretaker.

Professor Snape


Working for the protection of the English language for twenty minutes.

From: Harry Potter

To: Wizarding World (everyone) Via HJP Global Translator 1.124

Subject: Fwd: Mmail rules

Attachment: Mmail rules.wml

Dear World,

Please find attached a warning from Professor Snape at Hogwarts.

In order to ensure that this rule is followed, I've made a few changes to the Wizarding net, so that any attempt to corrupt any language will not be accepted by the network.



From: Albus Dumbledore (Boss)

To: Harry, Sev (Not Boss)

Subject: Summarily taking control of the Wizarding Network

Please meet me in my office to discuss your latest actions... Do you know what sort of fuss this is going to cause internationally? We can't just take control of the Wizard net.


From: Harry

To: Albus and Sev

Subject: Control

I just did, and I'm not putting it back. If they have a problem, tell them they can complain about it in person to me. And that they should form an orderly queue, so that I can deal with them after Voldemort. I'm sure they won't mind waiting.

Harry - on his way.

From: Sev

To: Harry

Subject: *snigger*

I'm sure that after you kill Voldemort they'll just be queing to complain to you. I'll see you in the old man's office.