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It took a few minutes for Xander to regain control; he felt strangely empty after breaking down in tears so completely. Wiping his eyes on his shirt sleeve, Xander stood, using the front wheel of his car for support, and took a deep breath. Exhaling slowly, he tried to examine his feelings. The primary one was relief. Relief that they had started talking, started to clear the air.

Xander reached into his pocket and pulled out his keys. Climbing into his SUV, he started the engine and drove off. He reached out and turned the radio on; the sounds of 98 WAVE filled his car. Relaxing a little, he drove towards the nearest town.

Buffy winced when she heard the car start and the sound of the gravel grating as it pulled away. His final words to her were indelibly etched in her mind.

'What is friendship supposed to be?' she asked herself. Buffy looked back over the past few years, over her relationships and friendships. She frowned as she realized her answer: She didn't know.

Buffy felt anxious. She was scared that Xander had left her permanently. She hoped that he hadn't; her earlier certainty over his actions was badly shaken. She froze, her mind going back over her last thoughts. She was feeling anxious! Last night she had felt calm and safe. She was feeling emotions, negative emotions but emotions none the less.

Buffy's thoughts were suddenly derailed as her protesting stomach warned her that she was about to lose her breakfast. She tried to stand and run to the bathroom. To her dismay, she couldn't; she was too weak. All she could do was turn her head and lay on her side as she was violently sick, covering one side of the bed. Lacking the strength to move, Buffy curled up and slept, her earlier epiphany forgotten.

Xander pulled into a car parking space outside the nearest public library. He walked in and was greeted by the librarian.

He paid for access to a computer, and using the lessons Willow had forced upon him, searched the web for information on heroin addiction.

Xander worked for 30 minutes, printing pages as he found useful tips. Standing, he stretched, and walked back to the counter and paid for his print outs. Climbing back in his car, Xander drove down the street, back towards the cabin.

Xander started to think about the conversation he had had with Buffy that morning. The radio started to play pop music and rather than find a different channel, he turned it off. Some of the revelations were unexpected. He had already guessed a lot of what she had done, but it had still hurt to realize how far Buffy had fallen.

Xander pulled his car over and stopped by the side of the road, not yet ready to face Buffy. The talk of addiction had forced him an uncomfortable truth: he was addicted to Buffy. Over the years he had exceeded the demands of loyalty and friendship with his behavior. He had stayed by her side even when she ignored him, or took him for granted, sustaining himself on an occasional glance from her. His addiction had been a small factor in the undoing of his personal relationships.

Xander contemplated his own medicine; going cold turkey and cutting Buffy out of his life completely. Thanks to his successful career in construction, he had opportunities to work all over the country.

After everything he had been through in his life, he knew himself pretty well. While he was often quick to anger, he was as quick to forgive in most cases. He knew he held grudges, often far longer than was warranted, but he felt that that was balanced by his loyalty to others. His loyalty wasn't boundless though; it had a breaking point. As far as he was concerned, she was on her last chance. One more instance of Buffy mistreating him and he would walk away. He still had feelings for Buffy: friendship, love and loyalty. If she pushed him too far it would be the end of any relationship they could have, except maybe that of an acquaintance. He would rather have Buffy as a friend with no hope of romance than that unpleasant alternative.

It wasn't that simple, though, because she was not the only person involved. Willow, Tara and Dawn, they were as important to him as breathing and he knew he could not cut them out of his life. This meant that even if they were no longer friends, he would not be able to ignore her. Which left him with a single option: to get over his addiction, he would have to stop looking at Buffy for approval, for a smile or for acceptance. He would have to treat her the same as everyone else; remove her from the pedestal that he had placed her on all those years ago.

This thought led Xander to the one thing he had tried to avoid thinking about: the state of his and Buffy's friendship. He contemplated forgiving her for taking drugs and fucking Spike. She was going to need all the help that he could provide to beat the heroin that was in her body. After some thought he decided not to; he would give her his support to overcome this addiction, but he would not allow her to continue treating him like she had.

He didn't totally blame Buffy for what had happened. She had made bad decisions and allowed herself to be led astray. Spike had manipulated her, using drugs to rape her spirit and soul. Spike: a vampire with a chip in his brain to match the chip on his shoulder. Spike was evil and, unlike Angel, didn't have a soul. As far as Xander was concerned, that made the vampire fair game. He had believed from the start that Spike should have been intimately introduced to an ashtray, but the others had prevailed. They argued that he could be useful in fighting the latest big bad and thanks to his chip, he couldn't hurt humans. Spike had now proved that he could hurt a human, and had done so. In the most disgusting and degrading manner possible he had turned a once proud Slayer into nothing more than a crack whore and did it behind the back of the people who allowed him to live.

He decided that the first thing he would do when he got back to Sunnydale was kill Spike. He grinned, a tinge of darkness shining through his eyes. Spike would pay for what he had done. Death would not come quickly for the vampire. In the vampire’s slow death, Xander would claim vengeance for each life the vampire had destroyed, each victim he had killed to sate his blood lust and each family ruined by his love of torture.

Xander drove back to the cabin, a little happier that he had made a few decisions. He pulled into the gravel in front of the cabin, grabbing the printouts and his book bag before entering through the door. He placed the items down on the kitchen counter and went to check on Buffy.

The first thing that hit him was the smell of stale vomit. He ran over to Buffy and placed his hand on her shoulder. Her skin was cold and clammy with visible goosebumps. He rolled her gently on to her back, and then picked her up out of the bed. She was totally limp in his arms, her head lolling back; only her breathing showed the she was still alive. He moved her to the bathroom and carefully placed her on the floor. He turned both the hot and cold taps, filling the bath with warm water.

Xander turned to Buffy, she was laying as he had left her. Trails of drool and vomit were visible down her chin. She was still naked, apart from her plain white panties. He took a deep breath and slid the panties down her legs, leaving her completely naked. He picked her up carefully and lowered her into the bath.

He cursed under his breath as his shirt sleeves were drenched; he really should have rolled up his sleeves before hand. He took off his shirt, and then gently washed Buffy's face clean.

Buffy slowly forced her way back to consciousness. She could feel Xander gently cleaning her face with something a little rough. She tried to remain still; not give him any sign that she was now awake. She realized that she was in the bath; the water was gently warming her. She slowly opened her eyes and looked at him.

"Why are you doing this?"

"You have no one else."

Buffy winced slightly. "That doesn't mean that you have to do this."

Xander folded his arms on the bath, leaning against it from the floor. "I just can't accept you taking drugs." He looked Buffy straight in her eyes, "I have accepted a lot of your self destructive behavior over the years. I believe that everyone has the right to follow their own path. I've followed mine. Willow is following hers with Tara. Giles is following his. In a strange way, I could have accepted you sleeping with Spike. After all, you have a history with the un-dead."

"Bastard" Buffy spat.

"You're lying naked in a bath tub, your skin has goosebumps and is clammy; it feels like the skin of a plucked turkey. Which, incidentally, I learned today is where the phrase cold turkey comes from. This morning you admitted to sleeping with Spike, which, after Angel, is your second vampire."

Buffy flinched slightly as Xander's hard words hit her. "I didn't sleep with Spike, I allowed him to fuck me. There's a big difference. It was the only way I could get the drugs."

"Prostitution." Xander said calmly.

Buffy thrashed in the water. Raising one of her arms, she swung it violently at Xander, trying to punch him as hard as she could.

Xander watched the fist coming and accepted the punch. It barely rocked him back.

"You son of a bitch, why are you doing this to me?"

"What's the matter Buffy? Mad? Upset?"

"Yes." Buffy said, fresh tears starting to roll down her face.

"How did you feel last night, when you were sleeping on me?" Xander asked, his voice suddenly changing pitch; becoming warm and caring.

Unable to process the change in Xander's voice, Buffy just replied honestly. "Safe."

Xander smiled one of his trademark goofy grins. "So you've felt safe, angry and upset. All emotions and all without any artificially induced euphoria."

"I have to clean the bed," Xander explained, walking out, leaving a chastised Slayer alone.

Xander stripped the sheets from the bed, ignoring the smell as much as he could. He bundled them up and carried them to the kitchen, dumping them in the sink to be washed later.

He moved back to the bedroom and turned the mattress over. He pulled another set of sheets from the wardrobe and made the bed. Returning to the kitchen, he grabbed some air freshener and sprayed it liberally in the bedroom.

Xander walked back into the bathroom. He knew the water was not very hot and didn't want Buffy to catch a chill. Still topless, Xander knelt by the bath.

"Ready to get out?" he asked quietly.

Buffy nodded and lent forward, trying to stand unassisted. Xander watched her, not moving, allowing her a small show of independence. His knowledge of psychology was pretty slim, but he was sure that someone with Buffy's normal enhanced control over her own body must hate what

was happening to her. He hoped that allowing her some triumphs would give her the strength to continue with her enforced detoxification.

Buffy tried to step out of the bath, but lost her balance. Catching her before she could fall, Xander lifted her out of the bath and sat her on the toilet. He grabbed a large towel and started to dry her, rubbing the slightly coarse material against her skin. She felt her skin tingle as she sat there allowing him complete access to her. He looked up at her, draping the towel over her legs.

"What have you done, Buffy?" he asked, a deep sadness in his voice.

"I don't know what you mean."

Xander raised his hands; for a second Buffy hoped that he was going for her breasts. Before she could digest that thought properly, Xander's hands settled just above her hips.

"I can count your ribs. Buffy."

"What?"

"A few years ago Buff, we all went down to the beach. It was mid summer, the sun was so hot. Willow was wearing a large sun hat 'cause she didn't want to get freckles. You were wearing shorts and a t-shirt. I was wearing a pair of my famous shorts. We were playing with a ball, running around the beach just the three of us. You got hot half way through," Xander voice was incredibly tender as he reminisced; he was reacting to the memory of the feelings he had encountered that day. "And you pulled your t-shirt off. I tripped over my own feet and landed in the sand, unable to stop looking at you. I've replayed that moment in my mind so many times. You were the nearest thing I have ever seen to perfection. You glowed as brightly as the sun. I felt like worshiping you."

Xander gently ran his fingers over the sides of Buffy's chest. "Now you're so thin; I don't think you've had a decent meal since you returned."

"Why are you doing this, Xander?" Buffy asked in a tiny voice. "Why are you taking care of me, why don't you let me die? Why do you still care?"

Xander ran his eyes over the naked Slayer. She was huddled over, arms across her stomach. Her hair was damp and hanging straight. She was wearing no makeup and her cheeks were pale. While her physical appearance was slightly shocking; it was her eyes that effected Xander the most. They were dull and lifeless, jaded; the eyes of a person who had seen too much, done too much, and lost her self-confidence.

"I don't know anymore, Buffy," Xander said honestly "At one time, the thought of you naked was enough to make me freeze on the spot for hours. Now you're in front of me with a towel draped over your lap. I was in love with you, deeply. I think I still am in a way, but I've changed as well. I've had to remove you from my pedestal.

"I guess that my main reason is loyalty. To you. To Dawn. To Willow. I can't wipe out the influence you've had on my life, and I don't want to. I want my friend back. I want happy, laughing Buffy back. I want healthy, fun Buffy back. I can hardly bear to see you like this. I'm going to finish getting you off these drugs. I'm going to make sure that you always have food in the house; that your bills are paid. I'm going to send you back to school; there are student loans available from different foundations that will help us pay for it.

"But this is it, Buffy." Xander's light tone vanished; turning into ice. "This is a two way deal; I do all of this and you stay clean and away from Spike. If I find you are either taking drugs again or fucking Spike," Xander paused, looking the shocked Slayer straight in her eyes. "If you do," he repeated, making sure he had her complete undivided attention, "I will be gone and I will take Dawn with me."

Buffy's eyes went wide; her mouth moved but no sounds came out. "This is your last chance, Buffy; it's up to you to take it. I'm not going to force you. I'm just letting you know what the consequences of your actions will be. If you choose right, I'll be there for you, I promise."

Buffy was silent for a second, a second that grew into a minute.

Everything Xander had said to her swirled around her head. Suddenly, something became clear.

Her mind went over all that had happened in the last two days, admitting to herself that while she had felt like she was dying; she had 'felt' something without injecting herself.

Last night she had felt safe in Xander's arms. Now she had a choice, a simple choice. The first was to continue as she was; it was guaranteed that she would feel something. She'd get the high from the drugs and the despair and darkness from fucking Spike. The downside would be that she would lose her friends, lose her sister, and probably end up dead in an alley. 'At least I'd be back in heaven' she thought to herself, trying hard to ignore the little voice that questioned whether or not she would be accepted if she ended up like that.

The second way was harder; it had no guarantee that she would continue to feel like she had been recently. It meant accepting her friends and forgiving them for bringing her back. It was her chance for redemption, for forgiveness, and to leave the darkness. Buffy sometimes had problems with making decisions her heart relied on, but not this time; she decided to try for the light, to fight for what she wanted.

She took a deep breath and tried to say something. All that came out was exhaled air, so she tried again. This time she managed to speak the four words that would change her life forever.

"I want to live."

Xander leaned towards Buffy and pulled her into a hug. She raised her arms around him and held him as well, burying her face into his shoulder. They stayed like that for several minutes.

It was only when Buffy started to shiver that Xander stood and picked her up. Buffy lent her head against Xander's chest, ('strong chest' she admitted to herself). The feeling of warmth and safety engulfed her, and for a second, she did not want to leave.

Xander placed her down on the bed again and wrapped a fresh blanket over her.

"Feel like sleeping?" Xander asked gently, his attitude changing slightly with Buffy's promise of change.

Buffy nodded, she was tired again, despite having slept most of the morning. Buffy's unique physiology was fighting the drugs in her system harder than a normal human's would. While the symptoms in the waking hours were bad, her body kept her asleep as much as possible so it could devote its entire attention to cleaning up her system.

"Will you hold me?" Buffy asked softly, looking at Xander with huge eyes.

"Do you promise not to be sick on me?" Xander said with a lopsided grin.

"No." Buffy replied, almost matching his smile.

Xander climbed into bed next to her. Buffy rolled over and draped herself over him, using his shoulder as a pillow. She sighed contentedly and immediately fell asleep. Xander looked amused,

suppressing his laughter to avoid waking the sleeping Chosen One. Settling down, Xander closed his eyes and tried to sleep himself, absently stroking his hand up and down Buffy's smooth back.

Xander woke with a start; Buffy was nowhere to be seen. He stood and walked to the bathroom, expecting to see her there. She wasn't. Sniffing the air, Xander mumbled to himself 'Bacon' and followed the smell. What he found was a barefoot slayer, wearing one of his shirts and carefully trying to cook some bacon.

"Hungry?" Xander asked.

Buffy smiled a little crookedly, "Not really, but I wanted to do something for you." At Xander's inquiring look, Buffy continued, "I'm feeling a little better, the cramps have receded and I'm not breaking out in to hot and cold flushes every 30 seconds. I just feel like I'm on a really heavy period." Buffy laughed at the scared look the flashed across Xander's face.

"You can handle me being sick everywhere, shaking, and curling up in agony? But when I mention p-."

"Don't say the P word" Xander interrupted, shuddering. "I'll accept that you’re feeling better."

"Ok, Xan," Buffy smirked, "I promise I won't say period again." She laughed at his reaction; for a second it would have been easy for her to forget why they where there, forget what she had done. For a brief moment in time, Buffy was a normal girl and Xander was his usual goofball self. The difference now was that Buffy knew that under his joking persona was an adult. An adult capable of making hard decisions. An adult, who, she admitted to herself, had taken complete control over her life. Two days ago, Buffy would have been furious at the thought of someone taking away her independence; she would have sworn to the moon that she was more than capable of looking after herself. Events had shown her that there was another way, a way where she could improve as a person and fulfill her personal ambitions.

He had offered her everything she could have dreamed off and did it out of love and friendship. She had woken up this morning instinctively knowing that the worst was over already. Saying a prayer of thanks for her Slayer healing, she had carefully unwrapped herself from Xander and moved to the kitchen, wanting to try and cook him something as a thank you. It had given her time to think; the length that Xander was willing to go to for her was scary. He was willing to put himself through mental and financial hell at a moment's notice, just for her.

Buffy was not used to thinking for herself like this. The closest she normally came to introspection was 'Does my butt look big in this?', yet the time spent here, in this cabin, was forcing her to examine her personality, examine herself as closely as she could. She had just arrived at the realization that she didn't like herself. She had asked herself the question, 'Would I do the same if Xander was addicted?' When she couldn't honestly answer either way, Buffy had decided that it was time to change, to become New Improved Buffy. She had missed Xander growing up; she was worried about what she was missing with Dawn.

"Sit," she commanded with a smile.

"Ma'am." Xander grinned, snapping out a salute. He sat.

"You cleaned the sheets?" he asked, seeing them hanging outside.

"Yeah, seemed only fair."

Buffy moved over, placing a plate in front of him, dropping some bacon and some eggs on to it. She poured herself a glass of orange juice and sat in front of him, smiling to herself at the domesticity of the scene.

"What did you tell Willow?"

"Just that something had come up, that she had to trust me and that we would be gone for some time."

"Are you going to tell them about this?"

"I'm not. You are."

"What?"

"You need to explain what's been happening. It's the only way you are going to be able to explain why I am moving in with you, why you have left your job and why you are going back to college."

"I don't know if I can do it."

"You can, you have to. It will help your relationship with Dawn, Willow and Tara. They are going to worry about why Spike is no longer welcome in your house; at least this way, they can understand."

"Will you be there?"

"No, this is something that you have to do on your own. This is your first big responsibility to yourself. Not to hide behind me or anyone else. You'll be able to stand on your own two feet, Buff."

Buffy nodded slowly, accepting what Xander had said.

"I know it's going to be hard, but the rewards are worth it. You'll have your life back, your self-respect back, and your confidence back. You'll be able to date again, to go out and have fun, maybe find someone you can fall in love with."

Buffy nodded again, her hair falling across her face. 'What if I have found someone to fall in love with? And what if he won't believe me?' she asked herself silently.

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