A Bunny in Hogwarts
By Jeconais
These are random drabbles and ideas that I've come up with over the years - they are not beta read, so they aren't any where near as polished as what you would normally see from me. The
grammar is often atrocious, the ideas may not work out, the formatting may suck, some were written years ago, your car may stop running, your house might develop Peruvian fire ants.
Read at your own risk
I have no interest in putting any effort into tidying these stories, so please don't suggest grammatical fixes :)
"Are you sure we should be doing this?" Crabbe asked slowly as he fingered his collar.
"Yes," Draco snapped. "My father paid a lot of money to get me back in school, and he told me to kill Potter, and I'm not going to fail again."
"So why not just kill him?" Goyle asked slowly.
"Because he's too fast," Malfoy groaned. "Will you two idiots shut up? This is delicate stuff!"
Unfortuantely for Draco he had already been interrupted, and it was only a small mispronounciation, but the effects would be felt for decades.
With a dramatic, and totally unneeded flourish of his wand, Draco finished the spell and waited.
A sense of evil filled the air, as all the light in the room seemed to be sucked toward a hole in the floor. A hole that gave all three boys a sense of deep forboding.
"It's working," Draco screamed excitedly. "I've done it!"
With a stillness that was as scary as it was abrupt, everything stopped.
They held their breath in anticipation.
"Arise my demon, arise," Draco said after nothing happened.
A figure slowly arose from the blackness and turned to face Draco. It reached out with one paw, and took a carrot from behind it's ear. "So," he chewed noisily. "What's up, doc?"
Draco paled, but looked determined to continue.
"I order you to kill Harry Potter."
The large rabbit paused in his chewing. "You don't say?"
"I summoned you, you must do what I say."
The rabbit climbed out of his hole. "And how do you want me to kill him?"
Draco was ready for this. "It's easy, you take this," he handed him a pre-primed wand. "You point it at Potter, and say "Explodus."
The rabbit took the wand and looked at Draco. "Explodus?" he asked.
A powerful explosion rocked through the wand, catching Draco straight in the face. it left the blonde's hair covered in smoot, and his eyebrows singed.
There was a moment's silence.
"Not at me," Draco yelled, as he got back to his feet. "At Potter!"
"Right," the rabbit nodded. "I just point, and say explodus, right?"
"Ri..." The wand exploded a second later, this time sending Draco flying into Crabbe and Goyle.
The rabbit seemed to smirk. "So," he said as he peered down. "What's up, doc?"
"Who are you?"
From nowhere, and old overcoat and a hat appeared. "The name's Bugs,
see? Bugs Bunny, see?"
"See what?" Crabbe asked.
"Potter, shoot him," Bugs said.
"Where?"
"There," the rabbit said, pointing at the now darkened Draco.
"Explodus!" Crabbe shouted excitedly.
Draco flew back against the wall, and bounced off painfully. He lumbered to his feet and snatched the wand from Crabbe's hand and threw it in the corner.
"Goyle, get him!" Draco ordered.
Goyle pointed his wand at the over-coat wearing rabbit.
"Wait," Bugs cried, moving next to Draco and placing a hat on his head.
"Which one do I hit?" Goyle asked slowly, his wand pointing at each in turn.
"Him," Draco said.
"No, him," the rabbit retorted.
"Him!"
"Him!"
"Him!"
"Him!"
"Me!"
"No, Me!"
"No, do me!"
"Goyle, I am Draco Malfoy, I demand that you hit me!"
Goyle shrugged and did exactly that.
A minute later, Draco got back to his feet and walked over to the rabbit. "You're despicable!" he slurred.
Bugs bounced over to Goyle. "Look!" he said, pointing at the wall.
Goyle turned, and Bugs took a firm grip of the back of the boys robes around the waist, and lifted hard.
Goyle squealed like a soprano.
Bugs bounced happily to the door. "I think I'm going to like it here, doc," he drawled, and vanished out.
This part was written by Verasha.
As Harry and Hermione were walking back from the library, after doing some research in regards into the Voldemort problem he had recently informed his friends of, Bugs Bunny calmly strolled through the hall headed in the other direction. The shock took a moment to wear off. Harry, having lived through most everything else, recovered first.
Harry looked up, then at Hermione, then up at the large rabbit again. "Hermione?"
"Yes," her voice had a tone never heard from her before.
His lips twitched, as he tried to fight it, but he couldn't. Not even Harry Potter's willpower was that high. "I taught I saw a bunny rabbit." He paused. "I did, I did, I did see a bunny rabbit."
Hermione looked at him slowly. Her left eye twitched as she debated whether to answer or the question, laugh, or just suffer a quick, but merciful, mental breakdown. The rest of her body might have been carved from stone, so intense was her concentration and mental debate that her brain simply ceased sending commands to the rest of her.
"I'm not sure. I think I saw Bugs Bunny walking through Hogwarts, but that's not possible, is it? I've never seen reference to cartoons being able to manifest since I was informed I was a witch, and I looked everywhere! I remember hoping that they were real, and searching every book I could find when I had the chance." Her voice wavered, as if unsure and afraid of what she was saying.
The quick pace of her answer warned Harry that he probably needed to be very careful in his response. After seeing Bugs walk down the hall, however, his mouth answered before he could come up with a response more attuned to calming Hermione down.
"That may well be, but that was Bugs Bunny if I've ever watched him through the crack in the cupboard door! I wonder what he's doing here."
"I don't care! It's just not possible!" Her voice was stronger now, but in frustration at seeing what was so obviously something found neither in Hogwarts: A History, nor any other book she had ever heard of. Her lips formed a very thin line upon her face after a moment, and confusion had obviously turned to the determination of solving a new problem.
"Impossible or not, Hermione, there he goes now. Look, I'll ï ¿ ½"
"Harry, you know as well as I do that a cartoon should have no possible method of manifestation!" Hermione almost screamed at the indignation of the entire momentary lapse of her sanity. She closed her eyes, shook her head, and started to massage her temples. After a couple of deep breaths, she said "You know what? It's just the stress. There's too much going on. Studying several hours a day, I'm not sleeping like I should, I've found so much in the last few days that seems to lead to what we want, but it's not making any sense and ï ¿ ½"
"Hermione! Breathe. In, and out; seriously, you need to calm down." Watching over her shoulder, he caught sight of the rabbit coming back in the same direction, "Look! He's coming back!" said Harry.
She turned towards where he was looking, and took a step back. Her eyes narrowed, her fists clenched, and her muscles became visibly taut.
"Bugs Bunny!" Hermione screamed at the obviously penciled in yet somehow materialized rabbit. Said rabbit immediately quickened his pace, strolled up, and sat on one of the bricks that had slid out from the wall at his approach.
"So, you've heard of me? Interesting. Are you going to point another one of those sticks at me, because the last guy that tried that didn't seem to happy with how it turned out." Bugs calmly stated, gnawing on his carrot. He was the animation of patience.
"I don't know why I would. Why, has someone been pointing sticks at you?" Hermione politely asked, her upbringing taking over in the mind boggling situation. The moving masonry was a little too much for her. It might not have bothered her, had it not taken on a `drawn' appearance.
"Yeah, this blonde kid decided I was supposed to say Explodus while pointing a stick at him if I came across someone named Harry Potter. Apparently, Blondie though that I was under his command or something. I haven't found him yet, I'd like to have a word with him, actually." Bugs replied.
"Bugs? I'm Harry. I'd appreciate you not doing that, but I'd love to know how you got here." Harry tried to bring himself into the conversation, quietly amused by the whole thing. He was aware that a lack of proper answers here could very well lead to Hermione's spontaneous combustion.
"You're Harry, then? Great. So, what's up, doc?" Bugs asked him.
Harry laughed quietly. He was just far enough gone in caring about trivial things that his immediate response was "I've been looking for a way to kill Voldemort. Snake guy, red eyes, pale skin, y'know, your average really bad guy. Think of him, as a Wile E. Coyote who actually knows what he's doing. What's up with you, doc?" Hermione stared at him blankly, too much in shock to either question Bugs further or question Harry's sanity.
"Wow. That's some problem. He was always annoying, but you're right, he's ..."
"HEY! Wait a minute! You can't be here! This shouldn't - can't be - it's not the looney tunes! It's not a TV show! Don't you notice something slightly off? LIKE EVERYTHING HERE IS REAL??? HOW DID YOU EVEN BLOODY GET HERE!?" Hermione screamed at Bugs. Harry stared slack jawed as Hermione quickly became unhinged.
"You alright there, miss? That vein in your forehead looks problematic. Sit down, have a glass of wine. It'll be ok. You really shouldn't yell. You don't even know me." Bugs calmly stated, starting on his second carrot.
"What do you mean, I don't know you! Everyone knows you, you're a cartoon. Someone thought you up, drew you with a pencil, inked you in many hundreds of times to make kids laugh! What's wrong with this situation? YOU'RE IN THE REAL WORLD!" Tears were starting to form in her eyes as she tried to manage something resembling normalcy while everything and everyone around her was happily ignoring the ideals of reality.
Bugs hopped off the brick, which slid back into the wall, and started slowly backing up, realizing that she was obviously not coherent, and likely to explode. She wasn't done, however.
"Stop! You need to not exist. Come back, I'll help you. I can research why you're not really here. We'll make you go back! You'll enjoy it! You have to, I'm sure this is violating several laws of interdimensional travel, your arrival could have been through a dimensional portal, resulting in an imbalance of everything!"
He didn't stop. As he was walking backwards away from Hermione, he said "Yeah, I came through a hole. It's several floors down. Kind of dark, damp, you should find Blondie still covered in soot. It's right about there." He turned tail, burrowed into the stone floor, and dug a trail into the wall.
"But... stone... too thick... just a rabbit... not a rabbit... not possible GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Her scream, and her breakdown, could be heard several stories up or down. Harry trying to keep his laughter quiet enough that his companion wouldn't notice, gently started to lead Hermione to Madame Pomfrey.
A few moments later, Bugs quietly stuck his head out of the hole he had made, afraid for his life. After seeing the coast was clear, he got up, grabbed another carrot, and said to no one in particular "Wine really would have been the better solution."
Back to me
With Hermione safely sedated and in the arms of a potent dreamless sleep potion, Harry had been forcibly ejected by Madam Pomfrey and told to not come back unless he was literally dying.
It might have been a bit harsh from the nurse, but his inquiry into the availability of the potion for calming Hermione down on a regular basis had perhaps been a touch out of place.
Still, with Ron in detention, he now had the evening to kill, and he wanted a chat with Bugs.
It wasn't everyday you got to talk to your childhood hero.
As everyone knows, the best way to find what you are looking for, is not to look for it. So Harry stuck his hands in his pockets and started to whistle, watching his feet as he walked around the school.
"So, what's up, doc?" Bugs asked, appearing next to him.
Harry smiled. "Do you find it strange?"
Bugs looked around and shrugged. "Not really. One castle is a lot like another. This sort of thing happens to me a lot. I was trying to get to Cincinatti, took a left when I should have taken a right, and ended up here."
"You weren't summoned?"
Bugs grinned. "Carrot?" he offered.
"Thanks."
"Nah," Bugs said. "The idiot miscast the spell. He summoned a hole."
"You seem to know a lot about magic."
Bugs didn't stop as he approached a wall, and walked straight up it. "I'm part magic," he explained.
"Part?"
"Yeah. As long as it's funny, I can do anything I want."
"You know," Harry said slowly. "That makes a weird kind of sense."
"POTTER!" The voice of Severus Snape roared. "Detent..."
"Sir?" Harry asked.
"Tell me, Harry," Snape purred in a way that Harry would spend the rest of his life describing to psychiatrists. "Who is your pretty friend?"
Harry turned violently, to see that Bugs had changed. He was now wearing a victorian style dress, complete with long pink gloves, and small umbrella over one shoulder. A long blonde wig rested on his head, the curly hair falling down his back.
"Hi," Bugs giggled attractively.
Harry stepped backward, and as quietly as he could, summoned Colin Creevey's camera.
"So," Snape said, holding his robes close as he slinked toward the disguised rabbit. "What's a nice girl like you doing with a nasty boy like him."
Bugs giggled girlishly.
"Do you come here often?" Snape asked, causing Harry's gag reflex to kick in.
Bugs looked down shyly, and Harry realised that somehow the rabbit's eye lashes had extended.
"How about a kiss?" Snape begged in a manner that he probably thought was not reminiscent of Dudley approaching an Apple Pie.
"I'm a good little girl," Bugs said in breathy voice, gently pushing him away.
"I'm a bad little boy," Snape said, leaning in.
Harry pointed the camera, cast a silencing charm, and started to take
as many pictures as he could.
"Close your eyes then," Bugs whispered, his paw going up to Snape's face.
Snape closed his eyes, a hopeful expression on his face.
Bugs pulled off one of his gloves and dropped a brick into it. WIthout hesitation, he pulled back and whacked the potions professor straight in the jaw.
"Wow," Snape murmured. "What a kiss!" Before he passed out.
Bugs walked over to Harry, his dress vanished, and grinned. "See, as long as it's funny."
"You know, Bugs," Harry grinned. "This could be the start of a beautiful friendship."
Bugs nodded. "I was thinking of hanging around for a bit?"
"Great! I've got just the place for you to stay." He led the rabbit quickly down the corridors to the Room of Requirement.
He opened the door. "What do you think?"
Bugs looked at the endless fields of carrots and grinned. "Wait here," he said, taking a few steps forward and jumping up, as if launched from a diving board. In mid-air, he started to spin, and landed, drilling deep into the ground.
The faint sound of singing accompanied the huge piles of earth that came out of the hole. "Come on down," Bugs yelled a few minutes later.
Harry took a deep breath, and jumped down into the hole.
Inside he blinked his eyes, shook his head, opened his mouth, and shut it again. He was in a huge cave. Two beds were situated either side of the room, a small kitchen complete with table was to the left, and a door leading to what he presumed was a bathroom area was to the right.
"Wow."
Bugs grinned and bowed. "Can I offer you a carrot juice?"
"Please," Harry said, taking one of the chairs. "Can I offer you a butterbeer?"
"What's that?"
"It's what we drink."
"Does it have carrots in it?"
"Nope."
"I'll try it," Bugs said doubtfully.
Harry nodded and concentrated. A tankard appeared a second later.
Bugs took a sip, and then smiled, draining it. "Perfect," he smiled. "It's got just a touch of alcohol in it. I could raise havoc with this."
"Really?" Harry asked, sipping the carrot juice.
"Sure," Bugs grinned. "When I'm drunk I can do all sorts of magic - because drunks are always funny."
The human and the rabbit spent the evening talking about their respective cultures, before they went to bed, both anticipating Bugs first day at Hogwarts.
They were deliberately late for breakfast, but their plans for a dramatic entrance were slightly foiled when Draco Malfoy walked around the corner and spotted them.
"You!" Malfoy shouted, snatching his wand out and pointing it at Bugs. "It's rabbit season, and I'm gonna have me rabbit stew for tea!"
"Eeep!" Bugs said, and started running toward the Great Hall, Draco following him, throwing curses as he ran.
Harry followed them, laughing to himself. He could almost feel sorry for the ferret.
Inside the Great Hall was a scene of absolute stillness and silence, as they watched Draco Malfoy chase a life sized cartoon rabbit around.
As Bugs passed Harry he winked, and Harry nodded back, pulling his wand out.
Bugs turned and ran toward the far side of the Hall, and didn't stop, running straight up it.
Harry cast a spell on Draco, allowing him to follow - and follow the boy did, not even noticing he was now running up a wall.
Bugs put on a burst of speed and accelerated into the magical ceiling, flying off into the distance.
Harry jogged to the wall, waiting underneth the slower moving Draco.
The doors to the Great Hall flew open again, and a large truck entered. "Yo, delivery for Potter," Bugs shouted with a thick New York accent, hanging out the window.
"Right here," Harry shouted.
Quickly, Bugs reversed the open-backed truck over to Harry and climbed out.
"Sign here, doc," Bugs said, pulling a pen out of the blue overalls he was now wearing, and offering a clipboard.
Harry signed quickly, and then looked up.
Unfortunately for Draco, he was very soon to find out that the ceiling was solid. Very solid.
With a crunch, he ran into it full speed and stopped abrubtly. At the same time, Harry cancelled his spell.
With a long drawn out wail, Draco dropped to the floor. Right in to the back of the truck. The truck with the words "ACME Mouse Trap Delivery Co." on the side.
The silence for the next few minutes was only punctuated by the crack of the traps activated, and the squeels of pain from the blond.
Bugs held out his paw, and Harry shook it.
"As long as it's funny," Bugs grinned.
Harry nodded, and they both turned to face the school, and the enraged face of Severus Snape.