A Bunny in Hogwarts
These are random drabbles and ideas that I've come up with over the years - they are not beta read, so they aren't any where near as polished as what you would normally see from me. The
grammar is often atrocious, the ideas may not work out, the formatting may suck, some were written years ago, your car may stop running, your house might develop Peruvian fire ants.
Read at your own risk
I have no interest in putting any effort into tidying these stories, so please don't suggest grammatical fixes :)
To the memory of first crushes - whether they be ski instructors or young friends of your mum..
Bugs Bunny was a rabbit who knew who he was. He liked carrot juice. He had the coolest mate in the world - Lola Bunny - who was a mate who didn't mind his occasional trips abroad (or through dimensions). He was pretty cool, and had a vast number of fetching outfits - even if he didn't wear trousers much (Free and easy, nothing like an unfurnished basement). And, as Lola would claim, he was a romantic.
And that was his current issue. He had a friend in this world that was alone. And he couldn't have that.
Lola did all sorts of nice things for him that allowed him to go around, righting wrongs, fixing broken things, and generally having fun. Harry seemed to have a lot more pressure on his back, so it was logical that he needed a cool mate as well.
Luckily, this was a school with a lot of Harry's species in it, and there must be one who'd fit.
Being a methodical rabbit, Bugs held up a paw and starting ticking off points that Harry's new 'girlfriend' would need.
First, she would have to be open minded about comedic cross-dressing. The ability to put on a wig and act female was always important for a hero. Along with that was the even-tempered bit. No hero needed to be nagged over doing hero stuff.
Second, and this was without saying, she'd have to have great fur and a brilliant smile.
Third, she'd definitely have to be able to make Harry's jaw swing at least a foot down when dressed up, and make him incoherent in awe.
Fourth, she'd have to be strong, capable, and kiss like a vacuum cleaner attached to the national grid. Every hero needed to be able to rely on his bunny when the carrots were against the wall.
He lowered his paw and bounced happily on the spot. How hard could it be to find one of this species like that?
Bugs decided that his best chance was a bit of sleuthing while Harry was asleep. He checked in on the young man, and smiled cheerfully, before heading toward his closet. He emerged a few seconds later, with his long brown coat on, his favourite hat, and his sleuthing pipe. Blowing bubbles out of it happily, he made his way out of his burrow and back in to Hogwarts.
Hogwarts was an ancient school. Over the years, she had seen many things, from a rampaging river of giraffe tears, to a swamp made purely out of the hair of incompetent harpies. She had seen meetings of the most powerful people in existence, and watched over meetings of students from all over the world.
But never had she seen this. Never such a group of people, congregated around a table, down the main hall, past the portrait of `Man with no hat`, a left after the portrait of `Dog with no hat` and a right just before the portrait of `Aardvark with hat`, down the corridor, heading towards the deepest, dankest parts of Hogwarts, those places where Professors feared to tread, where the unworthy may not emerge for years to come - and if they did, they'd be gibbering wrecks, capable only of rocking back and forth, forever bemoaning the colour purple.
Inside this diseased and demented room, this library of horrors untold to human eyes, they sat, in silence. Waiting for some sign, some message from above that would provide their unholy coven with the guidance they so desperately needed.
On the table sat a tome, a tome unearthly in hue and texture, in its pure and unadulterated evil. Men had been known to go insane with nothing more than a glance at the depraved and twisted contents.
Into the void, the silence was broken. "Why is it, that when ever a Slytherin arranges our meetings, we end up in here?"
"Hey," Daphne protested. "You wanted somewhere out of the way."
"I know," Padma agreed. "But this is a foul dungeon."
"It's not that bad," Pansy said. "I kinda like it."
"You would," Lavender sniffed.
Pansy rolled her eyes.
"If I could have your attention?" Susan asked politely. "We're not just here to have a chat today, remember?"
"Oh, yeah, sorry, Suse," Hannah apologised.
"Yeah," Parvati agreed. "We'll be good."
"Excellent, then I call this, the 423rd Meeting of the Witches Coven to order. First order of business, Padma, what has your research shown?"
Padma smiled brightly. "Good news, everybody. We've exceeded the terms of our agreement, and the contract is now null and void!"
"Really?" Tracey asked, as she leant forward.
"Can I have some background?" Su Li asked quietly.
Susan nodded. "I forgot that you weren't with us back then," she said. "Basically, in our second year, Ginny Weasley stumbled across one of our meetings, and threatened to reveal us to the school."
"Quite," Susan agreed. "In exchange for her silence, we all agreed a contract."
"That we'd leave Potter alone," Tracey grumbled. "And let her have a shot at him. I wanted to just kill her, but I was outvoted."
"Only just," Pansy muttered. "That little tart has caused me no end of trouble; we ought to see how she likes having to hang around Mr Smelltastic Malfoy."
"Moving back onto track," Susan interrupted. "We agreed that none of us would try and date him - and would persuade other girls not to - until she dated him. And as we all know, that happened last year."
"Precisely," Padma agreed. "And, in accordance to the contract, we didn't interfere. However, young Miss Weasley did not cover one thing in her arrogance. What would happen if Harry broke up with her? I don't think she expected that to happen. And now that it has, all bets are off."
"But won't she just blackmail us again?" Su asked.
"Nope," Padma said, a smirk hovering around her lips. "She still has to keep her side of the bargain. She talks, and all her hair will fall out, her nose will double in size, and..."
"And?" Su asked eagerly.
Tracey grinned. "This was my addition. Let's just say that the first female Weasley in ages will lose the title, and there will be seven brothers."
Pansy stood and moved to the front, next to Susan. "Now, Padma told me about this earlier, so I've set a few ground rules in place."
"And they are?" Daphne asked warily.
"One. No sabotaging of anyone else in the coven. Two. Any girl not in the coven is fair game, and we'll... ensure that they don't interfere. Three. What happens outside stays outside, in here, we have a good time as we always have, we study as always, and don't let a boy interfere."
"Why now?" Su asked. "Why didn't we do this research earlier?"
Tracey smiled slightly. "Coincidence, really. We're all between boyfriends at the moment. We've all watched Potter for years; he's young, rich, good looking, powerful, brave, and honourable. And tolerant."
"Damn right, if I had friends like Weasley I'd've punched him out by now," Pansy muttered.
"And," Susan continued, "we'd all gotten used to the status quo, and moved on. Of course, that was until Professor McGonagall reminded us this afternoon."
"Twenty points for the nicest hands in Hogwarts, and for the nicest smell," Lavender sighed cheerfully.
"We all know McGonners is a cat, and cats have a great sense of smell," Padma agreed. "And we've all been downwind of half the boys in here."
"And been groped by boys who seem to think that are boobs are pieces of meat in need of tenderising," Daphne added.
All the girls winced.
"You should try Draco," Pansy said. "I’ve had to study all sort of shield charms just to stop him leaving bruises. How long do I have to keep this up, Suse?"
Susan smiled slowly. "We all do appreciate your spying on Malfoy and the other idiots for us," she said. "And I think that you’ll all agree that it is no longer necessary. Voldemort will not be an issue for much longer."
"Oh?" Daphne asked quietly.
Susan nodded. "After our new friend, Mr Bunny, appeared, I did some research. I spent most of yesterday in a Muggle Library, watching cartoons. Bugs and Harry have a lot in common. We've already seen Harry be a lot more relaxed, and a lot less guarded. Bugs is going to help that. And soon, Voldemort will do something, Harry will declare war, and what happens next will be extremely funny, and will probably leave Voldemort under a five ton anvil."
There were a lot of bewildered faces around the room.
"Bugs' magic works differently," Susan explained with a long suffering sigh. "It is dependent on being funny. This will appeal to Harry on all sorts of levels. They will work together, and I will bet my life on the fact that Harry will win sooner rather than later."
"So I can stop?" Pansy asked hopefully.
"Yes, even better, it might be the catalyst," Susan agreed. "Anything we can do to poke the idiots in the school into making Voldemort act would be good." She paused and looked around. "Right, on to the next order of business. Lavender?"
Lavender stood. "Thanks to my contacts, I have managed to arrange for us to receive a copy of Witch Weekly a day early." She opened the tome of true evil, and turned it to the back. "I've added it to the archive already, and this week’s highlights include a wonderful charm for our nails...”
And so we leave this coven of terror, this group of evil and dark witches as they plot against our fair hero, the horror of nine beautiful witches wanting to date one wizard is to terrifying to deal with...
Bugs hopped along a corridor admiring the portraits. His sleuthing hadn't got far yet, but he wasn't too worried. He had contacted Lola to tell her what was going on and she was taking care of business back home.
As he went around a corner he stopped suddenly, his tail quivering. He could hear something up ahead. He tiptoed carefully to the door, and pulled a glass from his pocket. He placed his ear against the glass, and the glass against the door.
"Can't you do anything?" he heard the young Malfoy whine.
"No," Snape said abruptly. "There are some things in life you do not do, and mess with an angry Scotsman is one of them. I have no wish to find out what would happen if I tried."
"Stop your whining," Severus ordered. "You got yourself into this mess with your incompetence; you'll have to deal with the consequences."
"I'll write my father," Draco muttered.
"Do so," Severus advised. "I'm sure he'll be delighted to hear about your incompetence."
Draco paled and went quiet.
"Now," Severus continued, on a roll, "watch how an expert does a summoning."
Bugs frowned, and pulled a marble from his pocket, idly flicking it into the air. He tried to decide what would be the funniest way to interfere. He slowly smiled to himself, and gently opened the door. Malfoy was pacing, watching the greasy professor, who was in the middle of his summoning.
Bugs flicked the marble carefully.
It rolled along the floor and under Malfoy's feet. Malfoy stepped on it, and fell backward wildly, his foot brushed Snape's wand, moving it in a pattern that was just slightly wrong.
"You bumbling idiot," Severus yelled, as smoke started to pour out of the hole that appeared.
"I'm sorry," Draco snivelled. "I tripped."
Out of the smoke, a figure appeared. It was small, smaller than expected. And as the smoke cleared, they could see that the figure was wearing a large hat. As he looked up, they saw huge red eyebrows that added an evil tinge to the visage, and the biggest handlebar moustache in existence. It too, was bright red. A brown shirt with a neckerchief tie, a darker brown belt with a golden buckle, blue jeans and small black boots finished the outfit.
"Who are you?" Snape demanded.
"Me?" the figure drawled slowly. "I'm Yosemite Sam - the roughest, toughest he-man stuffest hombré that's ever crossed the Rio Grande. An' I ain't no namby-pamby." He leapt into the air and pulled out two six shooters from his belt. He fired, one after the other, as he did so. The first bullet bounced of a wall, causing Snape to duck as it flew over his head.
The second bounced of the ceiling and caught Draco right in the shoulder.
"Yee-arrrhhhhhh!" Draco yelled in pain.
Yosemite looked down and shrugged. "So," he drawled. "What d'ya want?"
"Want?" Snape asked, looking down at Draco. "What I want, is for you to kill someone." He paused, as Yosemite looked toward the hole and started to enter it again. "And," Snape continued, "a rabbit."
Sam paused. "Did ya say Rabbit?" he demanded.
Snape nodded. "It goes by the name of Bugs."
"Ah hate rabbits," Sam muttered. "An' I knows that ornery fur-bearin' critter from waaaaays back."
"Excellent," Snape said. “Draco, stop your crying and get to the nurse. Mr Sam, if you’ll accompany me, I have some whiskey.”
Bugs quietly closed the door and smiled to himself. His hunt for a female for Harry could wait - this was far more entertaining.
Susan was walking to breakfast when she ‘accidentally’ bumped into Tracey and Daphne.
“Morning,” she greeted them.
“Why aren’t you in your robes?” Tracey demanded.
“Me?” Susan asked innocently. “I have no idea what you mean.” She opened a door and ushered them in so that they could talk freely.
“Right,” Daphne drawled suspiciously.
Susan smiled at them. “I just felt like being comfortable today.” She smiled as innocently as she could. “In fact…” she trailed off as she made a series of movements, before pulling her bra out of her sleeve, and draping it over the back of a chair. She then undid a couple of buttons on her shirt. “There, I feel a lot more comfortable now.”
“You’re going after Potter,” Daphne whispered admiringly. “You little tart.”
Susan looked down and raised up on her toes and then dropped to the floor. “Oooo, bouncy,” she said in a vapid voice. “You think Harry will like them?” she asked.
“If you think I’m standing for that,” Tracey said, “you’ve been smoking too much of that puff, Puff.” She rushed out, quickly followed by Daphne.
Susan watched them go with a grin. As soon as they were out of sight, she shut the door tightly, undid her shirt, replaced her bra, replaced her shirt and pulled her robes out of her bag.
They could tart themselves in front of Potter all they liked; she was going about it the right way – by winning over Bugs first.
They were always so easy to manipulate.
As I've mentioned before, this is being written primarily to cheer me up. It's also being done as pretty much a stream of consciousness, with no real thought or planning from me as I go.
Unusually, I have NO idea where this is going, I only tend to find out as I write it... so I have no idea who Harry will end up with - if anyone. I mean, it could be one of the coven - Susan seems pretty determined, but we've yet to see Pansy make her play, or maybe Su or Padma will prove their cleverness, or perhaps Lavender or Parvati will show the Gryffindor courage. Maybe it will be someone else - Luna certainly wouldn't bat an eyelid at Harry in a dress... maybe Ginny has more stuff she can blackmail the coven with... And let's not forget that Bugs is on the case as well... and his idea of a woman is more on the Jessica Rabbit side of things....
I shouldn't have to say this, but just to make it incredibly clear: This is AU (You did see the giant cartoon rabbit, right?) and is probably the seventh year, where Snape is still a professor and DD is still alive.
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